Thursday, July 29, 2010

Angry, Sad ... Who knows

It is nights like last night that make me angry at my situation.


My poor Jack is sick.  We thought initially he was just teething but now I am convinced it is something more.  It started with a small fever which has now turned into a big fever!  My poor baby woke up around 1:30 am screaming.  Kelly went and got him out of his crib ... crying, sweating, and obviously very uncomfortable.  I remember only a couple short weeks ago when I was sick.  It was total torture.  Sweating and still chattering, freezing, being exhausted yet unable to sleep and I can see all that pain in Jacks eyes.  Now I know it's just the flu or something but it is so hard seeing your kids in pain.  It's not like you can reason with them so they understand it will pass.  All you can do is make them comfortable.  

For me it is like a punishment.  Paralyzed in a bed listening to your child scream and cry.  All I want is to be able to hold him and make some small effort to make him feel better.  

But I can't

Since I got sick and stuck in this bed, I have had little to no function or strength in my arms.  Jack doesn't come to me very often ... and definitely not when he is sad, hurt, or upset.  My poor child has had to find that comfort in someone elses arms.  The only thing I can do for him and myself is cry with him.  


I HATE sitting here and feeling helpless!


When does it get easier?  How do people with permanently disabilities do it?  Do you really ever come to terms with what has been dealt to you?  or do you settle for living life a little less?    


I am not ungrateful for what I have.  My amazing husband takes great care of me and the boys.  My parents took us in and help with much more then they should have to.  I am sealed to my family forever.  I have two beautiful, healthy boys.  Support from friends and the community.  I have much to be thankful for.  


My life like everyone's is speckled with bad days (or nights) ... hopefully today will be better.

4 comments:

Crisamore's said...

Okay that seriously made me cry :o( Things will get better just give it time. I have always believed that everything happens for a reason. We may not know why it is happening at this time but when you look back on your life you will know why. I love you! Stay strong...you are amazing! :o)

Kyle and Tiffany said...

Steph, you have every right to feel that way. One day you will be strong enough to hold your babies in your arms again. This isn't permanent...you will beat it.

Jayme said...

Stephanie, you don't know me beyond the comments I've left you. I don't know if I have ever said anything that was helpful or not. But it makes me feel good and helps me in a way to reach out to someone that is going through something so similar to me. I've only been at this about 5 months longer than you, so I'm not much more of a veteran at this than you. But I can say that in a way, I guess I have come to terms with being like this for the rest of my life. But I wouldn't call it settling for less. It's just... different. But my life is still very full.

It really does get better. It DOES, I promise! I think one thing that has helped me is my stubborn nature. I refuse to let anyone else do the job I was meant to do anymore than I have to. Maybe the next time Jack needs some comfort, Kelly or whoever he runs to could bring him near you, so that he still has someone to hug him if he needs that, but he could still hear your voice or something.

Just don't give up fighting for those babies. My kids are at least 50% responsible (if not more) for my rehabilitation. I will do all I can for them, and I will challenge myself for them.

I feel impressed to point out that there is someone who does know how you feel. Remember He is only a prayer away. You have a Heavenly Father who loves you so much. And just as you wish that you could be there to comfort your sweet boy, and to take away his pain, so does your Father in Heaven. He wants to do something to make you feel better too. But He is bound by free agency and earthly laws. But He can still provide comfort. Allow Him to comfort you as only He can.

Jordan and Becky said...

I am so sorry. It isn't fun having a sick kid so I can't even imagine. Please know that you are constantly in our prayers. You are such a great example and I really do admire you.