Thursday, July 15, 2010

Maternal Instincts

Being a Mom is something I have dreamt about since the day I got married.

It seems that from nursery age we are teaching our children about families, to "honor thy father and thy mother".  To have an innocent little child call me "Mama" fills my heart so full of gratitude, joy, and love.

Since getting GBS it also tugs on my heartstrings.  

It tears me up to have Jack come up to me in my wheelchair and I don't have the strength to lift him on my lap.  That I can't jump out of bed to pick up Talon when he's fussy.  That I can't hear the Jack's giggle that he supposedly makes when he is put in his crib for a nap or go get him first thing in the morning.  That I can't nurse or change Talon's clothes ... even his diapers!  I could seriously go on forever.

It's probably been the hardest thing about GBS.  The paralysis stinks ... don't get me wrong but the emotional struggle I feel internally every minute is so much more to bear.  I worry that I won't have unspoken bond with them.  That Jack's tantrums may be more than just his age, maybe he has some resentment towards me for abandoning him.   I have a feeling of detachment from my children.

I just try to remember that Jack and Talon are my miracles.  

Jack was brought to earth with such a mellow attitude, an independance, and now I understand why.  He has been through a lot in his short 17 months.  He is so lucky to have loving Grandparents close by, who without question or complaint took him in and raised him.  He will always have a closeness with them I am sure.  That is a true blessing from this situation.

Talon is here ... and he is healthy and as perfect as can be ... and that is truly all I can ask for.  I couldn't understand how I could have a perfect baby inside while everything else was wrong.  I always had a sense of comfort.  Deep inside I knew that he was suppose to be here and this was the only way.  Everyday he is a reminder to me why I fight this battle so willingly.

My day is coming.  It's just around the corner.  Even if it takes me two years to recover I know I have the rest of this lifetime with my children.  I am thankful  I can have children, I know that is a blessing.  Better still, I have eternity with my family.  This life isn't perfect.  I am not a typical Mom right now but I have others who are helping to teach and guide them.  Even though I can't feed them, or bathe them, I can love them and do the best I can.  

My maternal instincts are there and the Lord is guiding me. My role is a Mother .... and no matter how I feel, I know I will always be "  Mama"   to Jack and Talon and that's enough for me.  


Alisha said...

I cried through that. You are an inspiration to us all. You are an amazing person and I pray that your recovery will be quick. Love you Steph !!

AMY said...

I cried as well. I cant imagine going through something like that and have the great attitude and strength you have. I admire you more than you know. Your kids are amazing and you are a great mother. Love you!

Jayme said...

I cried too. And it hits home all too well. But you said something very important. Your role is still their mother, no matter what kind of physical condition you are in. Use that, however you can, and do for them anything you possibly can. I know right now there doesn't seem like much. But try to think of ways that you can still have your role as their mother. Read or tell stories to Jack. Watch movies with him. Sing to your babies -- even if you don't sing well, they don't care. Be at the table when Jack eats his meals and talk to him. Play with him any way you might be able to. Be close by when Talon is being fed. If you are unable to hold him, touch him, or let him hear your voice while he eats. The other day you said that your children are a good source of therapy and you are right. I don't think I would have recovered as quickly, and I might not even have cared, if not for the fact that I have children who need me to be the very best mother I can be. Allow them to be your driving force and never, ever quit. One positive thing that does come out of this, is because your children will see your struggles throughout their lives (assuming full recovery takes awhile, or if full recovery is not achieved), they will be more likely to be compassionate to the needs of everyone they come across. There are children at my kids' school who use walkers, forearm crutches, and wheelchairs. My boys are able to look at them and be friends with them without really thinking much about the equipment they use, because they have already seen it all with me. And to them, I'm still mom, whether I'm walking unassisted, walking with a cane, or sitting in a wheelchair. Don't worry. I know it's so hard right now. But you will eventually reach a point where your role as mom is more reinstated.

Julie Porter said...

I hate that I cry. But I will admit, I did. I love you Steph, you are an amazing woman (as I am sure you have heard a million times - b/c it is true) and I am blessed to have you as a friend and example. You are right, you will always be there Mama, and they are so blessed because of it.

Tiffany said...

You are amazing and strong and your boys love you. I am amazed and humbled by you and how you have faced all this.

Kyle and Tiffany said...

Steph, I just LOVE you! You are a wonderful mom, and even though right now you can't do all of the typical mom things you are a blessing to your boys. You have a wonderful attitude and do a great job of keeping things in perspective. I don't know why this trial was given to you, but I am thankful that I can look to you and be reminded of the things that really matter. I remember visiting you in the hospital and you telling me that you would give anything to be able to cook dinner or scrub a toilet. I will never forget you saying that to me. I'm not perfect, but you have taught me to be better at enjoying the little things and being grateful for what I have. Thank you. You will beat this. You are so strong. Thank you for your example!

Tara said...

Awwww Steph, this post is amazing. You are doing great as mama! The little boys may not fully understand, but they know you are a fighter. Little Jack gets to see you everyday now, instead of in a hospital. They are small and pick up on a lot more then we think. They know mom is there, they hear your voice, and know you are close. You may not be able to do all of the physical things of a mom, but you can still do the spiritual, loving things a mom does. Stay strong, you are amazing. This too shall pass!

CaliforniaCoxs said...

What an incredible attitude you have Steph. We are in awe on how you are attacking your situation and we are so proud of you! We are always thinking of you, you are a great mama!!

Becki said...

I really admire you Stephanie. You are an amazing mother. Just because you can't do those things does not make you less of a mom. You are a mom in every way that is important. Keep being strong and a fighter and I know that it will pay off in the end and that you will recover. It's okay to get a little angry now and then about what you are dealing with. Use that to push yourself harder and stay determined. Don't give up! I know that you can do it! Thank you also for reminding me to be grateful for what I have and not to take anything for granted. The next diaper I change I will be grateful I can do that. Look at you, inspiring me and making me thankful for diaper changing! lol Hang in there Steph. Before you know it you will be looking back at this time and telling your kids about it. Stay fiesty!!